Letting Go of All-or-Nothing Goals

Hi {{ first_name | friend }},

It was 6:37pm on a Wednesday, and the New York skyline had already lit up against the dark sky. "Dang it." I had missed my chance to go to the gym's last class while answering the last of my Slack messages. My workout clothes lay there on my bed, waiting for my next move.

"Okay, next week I'll do better. I'll start then." One week turned into two, and then into a month.

After 10 years of living abroad and nearly a year unemployed during Covid, I was back in my hometown, taking my first steps in the startup world at HUMAN Security. I'd set myself a goal of working out three to four times during the workweek. I don't recall where that number came from, maybe a statistic or a suggestion from some expert on how to be healthy.

With every week that passed, I carried more disappointment and more frustration towards myself for missing the mark. Thinking of a strength or high-intensity workout made me want to hide from a challenge and avoid any additional discomfort.

The longer I put it off, the less energy I had, decisions got harder to make, and I felt restless all day long. I started gaining weight and by then, the restlessness never really left.

For a long time, I believed I needed a perfect, specific routine, and if I couldn't do all of it, none of it counted. Things started to change when I became a HypnoBreathwork coach, and later, when I understood what running my own business actually asked of me. I started setting goals around what I needed. It all began with two questions I asked myself: how do I know I've had a good day? and what does it consist of?

This is still my answer today. I have a good day when I start it calmly, with a good breakfast and a walk before I sit down for work. Later in the day, I like to move with more intensity. Social time matters too, whether I'm hanging out with a friend, going to an event, or having a conversation with someone other than myself. Those became my three pillars: nourishment, movement, and social.

At the end of a day spent in deep focus, leading a workshop, or traveling, I sometimes need to step away a little. I pull out a mat, put in my headphones, and move for 30 minutes before dinner, and those 30 minutes count as much as any hard class I used to chase. More than once, someone has rolled out a mat next to mine and spent that half hour with me, meditating and breathing.

Several of my clients travel for work, in and out of airports every week. Over time, I've noticed two types of travelers. Some keep a routine, an activity, or a way of spending their time that grounds them wherever they land. Others let every change carry them until they're distracted and off balance.

Earlier this year, a client told me they felt uprooted from moving every couple of weeks, sometimes every couple of months. I asked how they would want to feel three months from now if this were resolved. Their answer was that nothing would change anyway, since they would still be moving.

They had a point; their job would keep moving them either way. How they felt in each new city was a different story, and that part was up to them. We're often too close to our own lives to see the answer, so I asked them the question that helped me see mine:

Answer it honestly and you’ll find your own pillars. From there, it gets a lot easier to drop the goals that were never truly yours and focus on what fulfills you.

Last Monday evening, I wrapped up a two-hour business training and knew right away what my day was missing: a walk outside and some real time with friends.

I still have to watch that my pillars don't turn into the next rigid rule, like those four hard workouts a week I once set for myself without even knowing why, as if that was the only proof the effort was worth it. These days, a 30-minute walk around my neighborhood, a yoga class, or swimming all count.

Every morning, ask yourself:

You might not have the answer right away. Pay attention, and once you've found your pillars, hit reply and tell me what they are. I'd love to know.

Victoria Grandury
CEO & Founder, Limitless Rebel
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